WHAT IF I DON’T TRUST THEM?

Editor’s note: Below is the fourth installment of a feature in the B&R that is aimed to help pastors and church leaders get answers to hard questions.

Dear Leader Board,

I never expected to be in this position. Over the past year, several situations have unfolded that have made me question the reliability of some people I lead. Nothing explosive — just broken confidences, overheard whispers, and a few moments when I realized I wasn’t getting the whole story.

I’m trying to handle it with grace, but if I’m honest, something has shifted inside me. I find myself second-guessing motives, replaying conversations, and wondering whether I’m being naive.

How do you lead people when the trust you once had in them isn’t there anymore? I don’t want to become cynical, but pretending nothing has changed doesn’t feel honest.

Thanks,

Second Guessing the Room

Dear Second Guessing the Room,

First, let’s name the obvious: Leadership becomes dramatically harder the moment trust fractures. Most pastors expect opposition from outside the room. They are rarely prepared for the opposition that comes from inside it.

When that happens, leaders usually swing to one of two extremes. Some clamp down. Every conversation becomes guarded. Every decision tightens. Control increases because trust has decreased. The problem is that control is a poor substitute for trust. It may keep things moving, but everyone feels the tension.

Others do the opposite. They pretend nothing has changed. They smile, keep the peace, and quietly absorb the unease. But pretending works only about as long as fresh paint on a cracked wall.

Both responses are understandable. Neither solves the problem.

Trust rarely disappears overnight. It erodes through small inconsistencies, like words that change between rooms, drifting commitments, and information that moves sideways instead of forward. Once that erosion begins, leaders start interpreting every signal through the lens of doubt.

Here’s the part that matters: You don’t need blind trust to lead well, but you do need clear expectations.

Trust is relational. Expectations are structural.

When trust is strong, expectations can remain flexible. When trust weakens, wise leaders increase clarity instead of control. They define roles more clearly. They make decisions more visible. They bring conversations into the open instead of leaving them in the hallway.

So here’s the reframe: Stop asking, “Can I trust them?” Start asking, “What structure would allow trust to grow again?”

Sometimes you can rebuild trust. Sometimes trust stabilizes at a lower level. And sometimes you discover the issue wasn’t betrayal — it was misalignment that had been quietly present for years.

Josh Franks

TBMB Ministry Specialist